Thanksgiving (yes!) and Resolutions (not!)

From Ian Casocot’s site: I have only one, perfectly doable resolution for the coming New Year: that I will be able to appreciate more and more the things that I am capable of and passionate about — writing, designing, teaching, among other things — and learn to value my place in this world. It’s the first step to a happy life.

I was inspired by this that I thought back to 2009 and what a year it has been! Here are excerpts from my journal:

1. I am thankful for 2009. Most of this year had been a dizzying emotional ride filled with false expectations and imagined hopes. I had held on to things that I shouldn’t have held on to. I had found myself having difficulty letting go of people that I should have let go of the moment they said goodbye.
I had often found myself asking God if I had made the right decisions in the past—the schools I went to and the courses I took up. I had asked God many times if I am where I am supposed to be (and He always answered “yes!”).

One day, I just stopped hoping falsely and let go. I forgave and moved on.

2. I don’t know how and when exactly it happened (or when the process started) but I’m better now. I have a better view of myself, of who and what I am and can and cannot do. No more striving to be who I am not.

And while I have become more self-aware, I have also started to explore the things that I may be capable of. I had toyed with the idea of taking up guitar and baking lessons but later realized that these are not my forte. I took up writing lessons instead. I am now thinking whether to take up drawing/painting lessons. I am now more discerning of the things that I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t want to waste money and time on something that I am not enabled to do. We have different gifts and that’s what we should be able to discern.

I just want to be the best of whatever I am and can be—be the best business development manager and the best writer that I can be and whatever other role God gives me.

I have a better view of my purpose in life and the legacy that I want to build and leave.

3. Thank you, God. Thank you for 2009 and the lessons it brought. Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you because you are now so tangible in my life—in every area of it. Thank you for your countless assurances and thank you for your faithfulness! Thank you for breaking and molding me.

Thank you because in spite of my imperfections, you brought people to me whom I was able to inspire and encourage. Thank you for the wisdom and the words. Indeed, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

I am at peace and ready to be sent to wherever God asks me to go. Ibang klase magbigay ng adventure si God, masaya na mahirap pero palaging panalo! Because He is always with us wherever we go. Saan ka pa?! I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good so why should I rely on things or relationships that are otherwise fleeting?

Thank you for the discernment of right from wrong and the courage to stand for what’s right. Thank you for making me go through the refiner’s fire because I wouldn’t be who and where I am right now if not for that. Hindsight is indeed 20/20, as Celine Lopez said. When God does something, walang trumpets or big bang pero palaging maganda ang kinakalabasan!

4. So what’s for 2010? Just to be the best that God intended me to be; to be prepared to go where I am called to go; to know and enrich myself more; to appreciate what I have; to dream more and act on those dreams with discernment; to build a more intimate relationship with God and seek His will for my life; to run the race that is set before me and finish it in victory with my integrity intact.

Welcome, 2010!

The End

Another chapter in my life is about to end. After nine months, I will soon plunge into the real corporate world. The past nine months has been more like going into Telco University but soon, I will go to real telco work–lesser handholding, I suppose, more accountabilities, and no room for mistakes (not that I was allowed to commit any as a management trainee). This is it!

When the seemingly final decision on my assignment sank in, my first reaction was fear—fear of the boss and fear of the job. How is the boss? Will I be able to do my job well? I had to catch and remind myself that there is nothing to fear. In my many years working and even studying, I have learned the secret to doing a job well:

1 Corinthians 10:31 (New International Version)
31So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

For some time in my former life, I used to work so hard because I was afraid of my boss, afraid of what she would say if I bungle the work. I think it would be appropriate to say that I worked hard to please her, a boss who left me scarred as a worker. I never really realized how badly her criticisms had affected me until I noticed that all my reflection papers in HBO about “How Not to Behave as a Boss” were about her. She said some things that I now just choose not to remember. Most of the things in the office were about her–what she wanted done, how she wanted things done, or how she would react if she saw our work. Even her one-downs and the rest of the staff would consult one another on the way she wanted things done so as not to get a reprimand or a flying stack of paper or a crumpled document that should have been for her approval.

When I started my walk with God and learned about the verse above, I had to teach myself to stop pleasing people. I have learned that I have only One True Boss and that is God, and if I base my standards on His, I would never go wrong. Every time I do something, at work or in school, I ask myself, “Would this please God?” Every time I feel like saying “pwede na yan,” I ask myself, “but, would it please God?” Ever since I have adopted this mentality, I have had very rewarding results.

I can say that I give my best whenever I do something not because I want the recognition but because it is the right thing to do (do I hear workaholic and perfectionist?). After all, if God is my boss and if He has equipped me to a job well, wouldn’t I do just that? I think this has somehow affected my reaction when people praise my work or compliment or thank me for a good job. While the boss is there all praises for my work, I would be thinking, “Why is she thanking me?” or “What’s so good with my work?” “Isn’t that what I am supposed to do—to do good work?” I mean, don’t compliment me because that’s what I am supposed to do anyway, right? I have heard these things several times during my training program and I have since learned to appreciate the compliments for just as God wants us to glorify Him through our works, He is also “not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name” (Heb 6:10 NKJV)…There were also times when I thought I just turned in ordinary work in spite of how badly I had wanted to do it better, but to my surprise, I still ended up receiving good feedback about it. It is amazing how God can still reward us even when we think we don’t deserve it. His standards are really different from ours. He has been making me grow from glory to glory even when I think I don’t deserve it.
God wants us to do everything for His glory. But unlike some bosses who expect the best from their subordinates without giving them any guidance at all, God actually equips us to do just that—give Him glory. He gives us the strength because He is the most powerful and wealthiest King we can ever know.

Philippians 4:13,19 (New International Version)
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
19And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

While meeting with the HR person this morning, I was reminded that there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18 (New International Version)

So, why fear? Am I being punished? I believe otherwise. Because just as God has been surprising me at work and even in my studies before at AIM, I know that there is something waiting for me in this new assignment. And with the perfect love He has for me, this fear will go away. I know that He will cover me in the same way that He has always covered me just when I start to fear and doubt.

A picture just crossed my mind: Jesus and I are sitting on top of a table in an open grass field, we’re swinging our legs, and He’s telling me that He has prepared something good for me. I say, we should find some isaw or fishballs and Coke.

Thank You

I have been following the blog of a friend. As I was reading it, I realized that she is currently going through what I went through last year. Life as they say is a cycle, a wheel in revolution; it has its ups and downs. She said this season might as well be her “dip” season. I, on the other hand, think that I am on the upswing. Lately though, I have been fearful that this season of my life might end soon (and I don’t want it to because I am sooo enjoying it)…that my own “dip” would come (and I don’t want it…not too soon). But hey, who says it will not come? Who says I will not be tested and disciplined and broken and molded yet again? And why do I have to be fearful when I have survived everything that has been thrown my way with God’s grace? I have always come out stronger and better.

I couldn’t have survived without the help of friends. To those who nursed the wounded eagle, thank you and I love you more (you know who you are). I am over the wounded-ness and am now back with the serenity I once had. To Pastor Dennis who prayed with me for spiritual revival during the prayer and fasting week, thank you! He told me to be joyful and I feel I am. To Tita Virgie who was instrumental in answering a question I had been struggling with, thank you!

I still am not perfect; I still trip every now and then but more are the nights when I can sleep soundly and wake up with a silly smile on my face. I am soaring. Soar with me!

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Ex

That syllable, or word, has been playing in my mind over and over again for some time now (so, let me write down my thoughts on it just to get it out of my mind). “Ex” has always had a tragic connotation for me. It means that a relationship didn’t work out in spite of several attempts (sometimes just one or none at all…depends actually on the people involved) to fix it. And we know that fixing relationships is not as easy as fixing a leaking faucet. Fixing a relationship doesn’t only require time and physical exertion of effort; it also requires emotions and that makes it doubly or triply hard (whatever…it is always harder!) and all the more tragic if everything would be in vain.

My friend has been referring to her ex-boyfriend in our conversations as “ex.” I still do not understand why she still cannot refer to him using his name when she said that she had moved on… or maybe not yet. That could explain it. I feel bad when people refer to some people in their lives as “exes” although I have my share of exes and whenever I refer to them as such, I feel bad. I have an ex-best friend and an ex-friend. I would like to think that I also have an ex-boyfriend or an ex-fling (I have yet to resolve what to call that relationship) but I refuse to call him my “ex” simply because he has had a positive, profound effect in my life. He taught me things about business and the more important things in life like forgiveness, patience in dealing with people, and humility so I often refer to him by a nickname I coined for him instead of calling him my “ex-whatever”.

For me, calling someone “ex” means crossing out someone from my life, like totally wiping him out of a slate, like putting liquid eraser over his name on the list of people I value and love. And that is sad. Because no matter how badly things turn out for a relationship, there are lessons to be learned, as always, if not from the person himself, at least from the experience.

I have been on both the extreme ends of saving a relationship. I was once the person someone reached out to so she could save our friendship. But I was too proud and hurt by what had happened in the past that I didn’t reach out my hand in return. She might have gotten tired of saving what could have been a 12-year friendship by today that she just stopped reaching out altogether. By the time I had shaken the pride and the hurt, she was gone. Yes, she is the ex-best friend. Sad.

I, too, reached out to someone to save our friendship. But I think we all come to a point when we realize that something is not working anymore; that we can only do so much to save a relationship; that our own efforts will not be enough because unless the other party dances with us and complements our steps, the tango will not be a success. I got tired of dancing on my own so I stopped reaching out. Yes, that person is the ex-friend. Sad.

The truth, though, is that even though I would like to put liquid eraser over their names on the list of people I value and love, they will still leave their mark on the list because of the space they will be creating. The mark of the liquid eraser on the list will still be visible even though I write a new name over the dried liquid eraser mark. The truth is, even though I try to obliterate them from my life, I cannot because I learned lessons from them and/or the relationship. Even though I could be successful in forgetting the feelings those people’s presence in my life brought to me while we were still together, shards of memories would remain. Even though I wouldn’t feel joy or pain anymore when I remember our times together, the memories will remain. And even though I shake off the memories, the lessons remain. The truth is, I cannot utterly remove them from my life.

So, let me think of a new term. Former friend? Past friend? Onetime friend? What do you say?

Thoughts on a Sunday Morning and Some Days After

1. No one can escape God’s stubborn love. If you are God’s child, He would do everything to bring you back and align your will with His. If He has to break you to bring you back to Himself, He would…repeatedly, if necessary.
a. And I have experienced this twice in my life. If others bite the dust, I ate mud and rolled on it. I was dirty and muddy all over and was way down the pit.
b. On the first fall, I tried seeking comfort from people but they just failed me. I thought I could solve my issues through vices but good enough that I was always too lazy to go out or too stingy to spend on something so fleeting (a bit of wisdom amidst the foolishness). It was a long process of learning, of breaking and molding, and I realized that only God could help me. The season after the first fall, before the second fall, was the best time of my life. I felt completely certain that I was in step with God. And as Pastor Joey said, if God told me then that it was time to go home, I would have made no adjustments in my life because I knew that I was living my life exactly the way I should have been living it.
c. The second time I fell, I knew better. No false expectations from men, no wasting time on vices but my focus was on God. I sought Him and I am still seeking Him but I know that I am definitely out of the pit and onto another enjoyable season of my life. I long to have that back. I would like to be able to tell God that if it is time to go home any time soon, I could gladly say, “Father, I am ready.”

2. Why am I crying?
a. Amidst the worship song “Indescribable”, I cried. The lyrics that made me: You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name / You are amazing God.
b. So why did I cry? I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so I could truly worship Him and I knew He did so that morning. It felt good to truly worship an amazing God who loves me faithfully in spite of everything I had done and all the mud I had eaten and all the rottenness I had gone through: Incomparable, unchangeable / You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same / You are amazing God.

3. If God’s revelations to me are any indication of wisdom, then I am happy and thankful for the affirmation.
a. Proverbs 9:10-the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
b. Psalm 25:12-when you fear God, you’re going to be instructed by Him; when you fear God, you begin to think His thoughts (Amen to this! )
c. I believe that He has been giving me wisdom and instructing me and I have been thinking His thoughts. I believe that my understanding of His Word is a proof of that. Yes, there is reproof but I need that, I should want that.